Thursday, February 13, 2014

I Honestly Do

I do miss you. Everything about you.
Your laugh, your cheesy humor, and cheerful attitude.
Your gaze, your feel, and warmth.
Your perspective on anything and everything.

I thought that with time I might be able to face you, and give you a sincere apology. All it took though, was for someone, anyone really, to be around us, and I'd shut down. I couldn't just blurt out my most sincere thoughts where someone might overhear. I know it shouldn't matter when our friendship was on the line, but I'm not good with that kind of stuff. All my thoughts just vanish, and I panic.
"It's no good right now, and it's passing period anyways."
So I pass by you in the halls and move along to my next class.

I'm just going to put myself out there and say that I honestly do miss you. I find myself glancing in your direction when I pass you in the halls, just for the sake of seeing you. I've on a few occasions tried to get close to you in an attempt to give a true apology and ask forgiveness. Maybe you think that's weird, or creepy, or you just want me to stop. I'll do it if that's the case. Up until now, I've been afraid of people thinking of me like that just for the sake of my image. Screw my image, I'm sorry.

I know you probably don't think much of me anymore, and that you believe spoken word is how this should be projected to you, but I honestly don't think I could compose all of my thoughts into this if I spoke it to you.

I leave the next step up to you. Just tell me what to do, whether it be to meet you or leave you be.

Spectating Champion

They say life is not a spectator sport.
But it is.
I have watched it for quite a while now. Instead of acting, I view everyday life from a distance, careful not to put myself in any uncomfortable situations.
Don't talk unless first spoken to. Do what's expected. Nothing more, nothing less.
Everyone has had their social groups, and have had them since long before I entered the picture. I think that it's best I go unnoticed, that no one cares. Then I can go about my day, not feeling the need to please anyone, even though they won't care anyways.

Yes, perhaps high school life isn't what I'd anticipated it to be. Then again, perhaps I've sabotaged myself.


When I'm alone, I can think.
Everything I've ever wanted to say flows smoothly through my mind. I can think up epic scenarios and witty dialogue with ease. Silently chuckle at a clever joke I read on the internet. Even obsess over that one show I watch. Sometimes I speak to myself, just for the sake of having a conversation. I should be saddened by this, yet so few things seem as satisfying as this.

During the nighttime, when the whole house is engulfed in darkness and silence, I lay awake in my bed, relishing it. They say silence is golden, and I'm inclined to agree.

You're Inside, Still

I want to feel fine. I've wanted to for a while now, and yet, a heavy emotion weighs on my chest from the moment I awake until the moment I finally fall into a slumber. Is it regret? Or perhaps guilt? Maybe both.
I know what I did was cruel. I let my own problems get in the way of my rationality. I was disappointing. Broke promises, then apologized, thinking that both parties might benefit from it. I know it didn't help me, and I'm certain it did not help her either.
I want to talk.
I really do.

What is to be done though? When she's near, my thoughts scatter and I'm left with nothing to say. I don't know how to make it better.
I don't know what to do anymore.
So I just do nothing.

What a fool I've grown to be.

Just a Precaution(?)

I really wish I could be content, just keeping my thoughts within the confines of my mind. But it doesn't work for me. I don't know why. I want to tell someone. Anyone, really. Someone I can just pour out my soul to.
I wish. I have no one to confide in. Some of my thoughts would likely be looked down upon anyways.

I've tried writing everything down on paper. I've pages and pages of my innermost thoughts, materialized with black ink. It's not safe to do that though. There is no safety from the prying eyes of family and friends. Surely, any normal person who saw me for me would be disgusted.

The internet might not be so safe from prying eyes (this is a blog, after all), but at least it's somewhere only strangers might see it. Those (if any) who read what thoughts are conjured in this mind of mine won't be anyone I know.


So, anyways, here I am, moving some of my thoughts I have written with my amateur writing skills to the internet. I'll pour out the thoughts of Colin.